A New Day Dawning

Whoa what a whirlwind month April has been for me!  Writing, writing, and more writing was the focus and the call.  Words tumbling out faster than I could type.  Thoughts lost in the dark recesses of my mind wiggling their fingers in a call for me to follow. I celebrated the completion of one writing commitment and said good-bye to another support to my writing.  It felt right as I came to the end of April and looked out across the expanse lying before me.

Giving myself permission to not write for a week, I found more than rest from the drive but also a newness dawning.  My head felt dusty and fallow.  It became apparent to me that a refreshing approach was needed.  In my resistance to pausing I found myself chastising what I assumed was laziness and a return to old patterns of not finishing projects.  Fortunately I flushed those mean words down the drain and carried on.

What began to unfold was another call to creativity.  This call had been pushed far back into the corner to allow for the blogging and book writing to take center stage.  There was real reluctance on my part to bring something new forward and not stay to the course.  Finally in a true fit of stubbornness, I took pen to paper and allowed the creativity on another project to begin.  It was deafening the sounds pouring out into the open.  The artistic side sauntered through on an afternoon breeze and created deeper focus for my writing and design work.  It really surprised me.  Advice that had been given affirmed the value of my pause.

It is a tricky place pattern breaking.  Those ways that we think have kept us safe and sane, when called to task, leave reluctantly.  After much practice they design new ways of adjusting falsely.   Our minds are grand instruments and when paired with ego develop an ability to fine-tune themselves into exquisite works.   These works trick us into thinking they aren't tied to ego or old patterns dressed up in different attire.  It is important to take pause, listen, and use discernment to identify the trickster.  As you move further into oneness with soul you will know the difference in the illusion and your ego will do overtime.  As frustrating as this may seem you should welcome the experience.  The more you can identify how your ego shows up the more you can step further into your true self.  Ego will never completely leave nor do we want it.  It will however learn its place in your life which is awakening.  Stripping the illusion away, having no opinion of the illusion, and still being in the illusion are skills that will be acquired as you continue to walk upon your path.  

Now May is almost over.   The writing that has taken place for me has been insightful.  My main character in my book is back and refreshed.  She has given me more to write and spurs me to tell her tale.  There are other stories developing.   This excites me to know the well is not dry.  I have found joy again in my blogging and spring is officially here in my piece of the world.  I have learned more about who and how and care less about the why.  The discovery of a new pattern to wash down the drain brings another level to my path.  

There is a new day dawning.  It comes quietly, renewed and welcomed.  There is a new level to me.  It comes quietly, simply, and unabashedly.  I understand my writing and a deeper me.  They are intertwined and have no pause to be iconic.  They just are.  I believe there will always be new days dawning.  It won't just happen to me.  They are there for all of us.  Enjoy them!

~The Soul Traveler

Exceeding Expectations

Life is amazing!  

That wasn't always something I would say.  It has grown to be the first thing out of my mouth each morning...

Growing up I was fortunate every summer to visit the open farming country of Colorado.  I would leave the city shortly after school ending to stay for a month or two with my Grandmother.  She was a very strong willed, distant, bewildering woman.  She loved her chickens, tolerated the wild cat, lavished her roses, and basically accepted my presence.  I learned early to high tail it until she called.  I would go wild with discovery and solitude nourishing my weary soul.  My siblings did not understand my willingness to spend time with 'our cold grandmother' still they were glad to have one less asking for food and attention.  All I knew is being there exceeded my expectations.

My summer days were simple.  Morning would dawn with the crow of the rooster.  After a breakfast of cold cereal as I dressed, I would rush out the door desperately remembering too late not to slam the door.  If the door was slammed, I would tiptoe back, open it, then close it three times softly.  This was the required penance for slamming doors.  No matter how many times I came to visit my rush of excitement took precedence over quiet departures.  In muffled expectation I collected eggs, darting between pecks, smothering my giggles at the girls as Grandma called them.  Sailing high into the air I would make a game of watching them from my swing creating different scenes with each pass I filled my day designing events in their lives. 

Stark evening darkness is a magical place for me filled with wildness.   Sitting on the back porch watching the stars turn on one by one, hearing the footsteps of the night settle, and knowing as some were preparing for sleep others had just woke brought wonder and magic to my imagination.  Sailing across the sky I would visit distant planets calling one home chatting with my star family relishing their comfort and wisdom.  

Every summer well into high school I spent with my grandmother exceeded my expectations.  Those months kept my wildness alive.  Many events in my life were started because of my willingness to exceed my expectations.  I had no idea that was what I was creating.  Now I consciously come from that request.  

The first class I took when I woke up was how my thoughts create my world.  The teacher gave us affirmations to recite for various issues.  My first one, financial wealth, I felt was important.  I gleefully typed in a dollar amount.  This amount I felt covered my needs and some.  Within 4 years I was making that amount with one full time and two part time jobs.  Uncontrollable laughter erupted the minute I discovered how I had manifested my creation of financial abundance.  Something niggled at me that perhaps I might be amiss with my affirmations.  

As I sought to deepen my relationship to soul different ways to manifest crossed my path.  "I can't out give the Universe" shared by my shamanic teacher burst open my perceptions of abundance.  I sat with that statement for a very long time.  The pondering helped me to peel back the layers till I finally settled upon a simple mantra. 

~ Exceeds My Expectations  ~

I felt a breath of fresh air from no longer needing to cover all the angles that past practices of manifesting abundance required.  Knowing I didn't have to pour over the correct wording, the exact cadence to guarantee complete coverage of my requests I blossomed from the simplification.  Complication is a turn-off.  Simplicity resonates deep within me. 

Prayers now are requests for employment that exceeds my expectations, financial abundance that exceeds my expectations, and I think you get my drift.  This approach opens you and removes any limiting identity for fulfillment.  Trusting that the Universe will deliver what is yours to fulfill your needs will always exceed your expectations.  I no longer set limits to my learning, creating, or living because I am open to "I can't out give the Universe" 

My life Exceeds My Expectations... want to join me?

xoxoo The Soul Traveler

the big T ....

My life hasn't been much different from everyone else's.  It has stories that books are written about, yes, and yet those stories don't define me.  It is often hard for me to really recall all the emotion and drama of most of my life now.  What still comes up are the parts and pieces that I still cling to for identity.  I laughed at myself the other day as I sat for morning prayers begging for focus to continue writing on my book or just finish one of my many projects.  Looking up I noticed I had placed a heart shaped chalk board with the words, "I release my inability to focus to the Universe, love teri" as a tool to help me.  As I sat there totally frustrated, begging Brigid to help with inspiration, a flash of clarity zipped through my mind.  Duh!  Release!  I burst out laughing, threw my hands up, had a V8 moment and released.  Immediately I felt the difference.  I felt the release.  I stood up, bowed in gratitude, poured more coffee and began to write.  I finished two chapters, wrote my e-course, went to yoga, and still had 6 hours before bed. 

Asking for help and then getting out of the way is crucial.  It takes trust.  Trust in your beliefs.  Trust in you.  Trust that your ego doesn't run the show.  How many times have you found yourself asking for help and then hemmed and hawed over the help?  Do you allow your friends to help you?  Do you even ask for help?  What I see so often when a friend refuses to ask for help, is that they don't trust themselves.  I know that sounds odd.  Shouldn't it be they don't trust others?  No actually.  Trusting comes from you first.

Trusting others comes after you learn to trust yourself. 

Trust so often gets buried deep.  It is the first thing that gets challenged.  You can experience its lack the moment you are born or within the first years of your life.  As the veil draws down and your ego blossoms, trust disappears.  Forgetting who you are comes from losing trust. 

As my life unfolded and I journeyed through dark valleys what kept the fire burning to find a way through was my trust.  I trusted that it would end.  I trusted in finding help.  I trusted that the choice I had made would not kill me.  I trusted I KNEW the reason.

I trusted ME.  In trusting me I finally let go of needing a reason for anything in my life.  The ME I trusted was soul and its divine connection to Source.  When trusting others was dashed I trusted me.  I am not talking about pie in the sky trust.  Believe me I can feel when someone who should not be trusted walks into my space.  I have met many a person not worthy of trust.  I trust me and my ability to sense even those who are not to be trusted.  In this process I deepened my connection unfolding who I truly was in the process.

When I find myself conflicted I ask "are you trusting?"  Are you?

xoxox ~ The Soul Traveler

teetering and tottering .... the between season

The Spring Equinox was officially a happening a few days back and yet for so many places the burst and fanfare has not arrived.  If you are truthful there are signs that winter is giving way to spring.  Look around and truly see.

What is the power of these between seasons?  What can we learn from it?  Where can it take us?  In our rush to move from the introspection of winter to the burst of spring and trying out our new insights do we miss the opportunity of stretching into the dance?  If you were to pause for a time and lay out all your new sparkling insights what dance would unfold?

This winter has been filled with transitional insights for me.  I went from a 9-5-work week with spillover weekends filled to the brim to days devoid of any obligations.  I struggled with finding my rhythm in this cacophony of ideas.  Each day would bring with it a new insight of how I tick internally, what spiritual practice unlocked the deepest me, and which identity wasn't me.  After four full months I can say the Between Season, teetering and tottering is becoming a favorite.  

The long nights of winter gave me the opportunity to sit in the quiet dark space.  From there I watched the movie of what had been me for over 20+ years.  The movie had drama, crime, romance, and several comedic moments played by distinguished characters all with the same last name.  Several months were spent in the cutting room, deleting scenes no longer real, deflecting urges to keep the status quo, fights over keeping to the "real" story, and embracing the right to let go.  Soon the quiet dark space was lit and the urge to push through and move out into the world with what I knew took center stage.  Was it really time for this discovery to take the stage?  Was there still incubation to be done?  What about more of more?  

To be honest I love spring, the deep rich scents of life rebirthing, the starkness of winter being danced into light, songs bursting forth from the long silence and the lingering heat from a sun long dormant.

What I have discovered is there is another lesser known season, the Between Season.  It happens 4 times a year, slips by during the midst of much moaning and holds so many jewels.

I decided to pause, peak, and play with this Between Season.  What I found amazed me.  
Taking my sparkling insights I laid them all out in the morning sun that tangoed with the clouds. I watched as they began to morph into speckled blue eggs, dark brown seeds, and molten moss.  Guided by the natural flow of the snow and rain, I placed the seeds deep into the moss covering them with the eggs.  Opening the door a breeze came to tweak and ruffle these new insights, causing me to notice the seed dangling from beneath as an egg rolled precariously towards the edge.  At that moment I realized my rush to open the door to release my insights into the world was premature.  In my haste I would have lost an insight still needing time to find its place before embarking.  

The dark insightful spaces of winter allow us to gather, reflect and nurture ourselves.  It is not really a scary, unforgiving time.  Our ancestors used this time wisely drawing upon it for renewal, reflection, and a deeper connection to Source.  They did look forward to the springtime yet they knew it was best to not rush forward.  They used the Between Seasons.  We can use them.  As you find yourself drawn to toss away the extra blankets, heavy sweaters and reflective time ask if it is really time.  Does your sparkling insights need more discovery?  Are they ready to birth?  Can this longer sunlight shine upon another insight you missed?

Spring is a season of rebirth.  You cannot birth anything that you have not planted, nurtured and embraced.  Use this time to prepare the soil, nests, and you for the birthing that will soon come.  Give it permission to find its rhythm, releasing the identity to rush allows for deeper discovery.  Find the beauty in the simple tiny hint that transition is happening and will carry your insights to a full and brilliant life.  Ask with honesty what have you left back in the dark winter?  Is there yet another opportunity to revive a wildness and nurture it to full bloom?  Can your identity rebirth who you really are?

The Between Season asks us to pause, gather, quench and allow all that we have discovered in our winter reflection to find its own rhythm of birth and rebirth.  There will be time to rejoice in the first sprouts.  Be mindful.  Allow the pause, the between, the rhythm of the teeter totter.   Discover that who you are is the brilliance of spring.

xoxoxo ~ The Soul Traveler

On and On it goes .....

Winter this year seems to linger for so many past their comfort zone.  It seems to tease us with spring and then comes roaring in to cover us with a deep, stark presence.

I was never a big fan of winter.  Being small in stature I was continually cold and my restlessness grew explosive.  Maturing eventually brought with it the realization of winter fun.  Most often spent in the lodge because my logical brain, attached to a shivering body, could not rationalize the long boring waits in the lift lines only to speed downhill.  Of course my body won out over my minds thrill of the descent and winter became curling up with a good book.

As I woke up and realized the illusion of the seasons, the spirit of their essence, I learned to welcome and enjoy them eventually coming to be the observer.

Most of us know what winter represents.   The time for introspection and quiet inclusion of self becomes the focus.  We feed our bodies and our souls with warmth, wisdom, and pause yet looking for the end and the rebirth.  

How often do we really use this time?  Do we really rise each morning with the intent to seek the beauty in the starkness?  Or at the first sign of the sun does our hope for spring distract us from the gift of winter?  How often do you find yourself frozen in your search?

This winter in particular seems to be reluctant to usher in spring.  Its tentacles have reached deep into this country’s landscape and brought with it intent to freeze all movement.  Winter has shown us its strength and love for us.  What is it that we have not been willing to at look deep inside?  What part of us is frozen to beauty?  

Our folklore even shows us the value of using winter.  Punxsutawney gives us fair warning with a peek and duck.  Six more weeks of winter isn’t a punishment.  It is a gift that when opened leads to a rebirth.  Look around and notice.  The short days are not filled with darkness.  How often have you taken the time to step outside to see the light bouncing off the stark landscape from the elegant moonlight?  Do you hear the soft footsteps of the animals as they make their way?  Are your lungs filled with the crisp air striking out the staleness of your breath?  In the quietness can you hear wisdom calling?

What is in the darkness you are afraid to know?  There is nothing within so dark that the Divine refuses to love you.  Why do you hurry through the winter months?  What makes the quiet so threatening?  Before the invention of incandescent light our ancestors welcomed the winter. They knew its blessings.

For a moment let’s do what ifs.  Not being fond of them, as I believe what ifs are our feeble attempts to squash the Divine’s voice in us.  For just one moment though let’s make them a useful tool.

What if by your willingness to settle into the true essence of winter your spring exceeds your wildest expectations?  Would it be worth the introspection, the quietness that allows the wisdom to surface, the ability to see in the dark heightened? 

Would it?

xoxox

The Soul Traveler

Ahhh the feeling

It is snowing.... the hundredth time this month and February is the shorts month.  Go figure!

Jazz is playing in the background a hint of calypso to the piece as the snow swirls.  I am taken into the marriage of the two.  

As the notes swirl the fairy snow flirts.  First she lights delicately upon the rail beckoning the notes.  Moving closer the rhythm challenges the exchange.  She flits closer expecting the move.  The saxophone mellows as his courage strikes him deep.  His stance encourages him to welcome the fire.  She scurries across the expanse uncertain.  Joining the others she peaks at him with the deepest eyes.  Sensing his opportunity the sounds scatter reaching, drawing her into the dance of inclusion.  

As the crystal companions scurry on their way, she is left alone in decision.  The ultimate sacrifice, the moment of her beginning, the transmutation has called.  What will she decide?

No sympathy... just be

I honestly don't know how to begin or really why share what I am being asked to share.  

All of our lives are punctuated by moments that shape them.  They can be tragic, simple, moving, courageous and a myriad of other adverbs.  Having added shamanism to my modalities I truly believe that it is through releasing our stories that great healing and spiritual communion takes place.  I also know that the human species learns through stories that are shared.  My dilemma is about sharing one particular personal story.  

I am currently taking a writing intensive course to help push into the world a story I penned several years ago.  Stories need to be written and if they only touch one person it has accomplished its purpose.  I get that.  What is happening is a personal story is surfacing, one I verbally share when the need arises. It is a subject that has been written many times by other authors.  I personally am not in need of telling the story, yet the story keeps asking to be written.  

I am adding a disclaimer here - Please NO sympathy... just be with this raw and naked story.

The Matrix of the Heart -

May 4, 1999 was like no other day.  It was a day of reckoning, not just for me it would also be for everyone who had ever come in contact with me.  It did start unusual but not glaringly unusual.  I am getting ahead of myself so let me start over.

Once upon a time there lived a very beautiful, stubborn, independent young woman.  Oh she thought she understood the cruelty of the world and how to traverse through it so as not to get harmed.  Little did she know that soon her life would ask even more.  Into her life would come a screaming, demanding, carefree loving creature that would one day break her heart.

But before that happened there was much to take place.  

Yes you guessed it I am describing the younger me.  I really believed that I knew how to traverse the world, the world that had given me years of pain, confusion, and isolation during a time when most young women were trying on new dresses, new boyfriends, and new identities.  As soon as high school was over I leapt at the chance to get as far away from home, friends, and family to strike out on my own.  I succeeded by arriving in Albuquerque to start what I thought was to be a new life.  The new start lasted 2 years before all the pain that had been buried surfaced in the form of drugs and alcohol leading to the departure from New Mexico and the return to my beginnings.  Stubbornly I refused to seek help and once again traversed the highways for a new beginning.  Thank god I had a magnificent guardian angel that tweaked my trail to recovery. Leaving the bar scene behind literally, I found employment in banking taking me to an environment that required I sober up.  I excelled at the banking craft, found a wonderful man, and started to clear the fog from my eyes.  As so often happens moments come forward that forever alter our lives.  

One lovely winter day, as I stood in the dressing room with my mother, I made a remark on some physical changes I was experiencing.  My mother never even blinked.  Two months later I knew without a shadow of doubt what those physical changes meant. Yep you guessed it.

Before my son was born his father in the quiet of the night left me with the excuse he had not asked for this right now.  I cried for 3 nights exactly, begging to not be pregnant then quietly put his picture away and assumed the position of single mother.  I struggled to pay the rent and panicked over telling my boss I was pregnant.  Telling my parents was scary but nothing like telling a boss who held the ability to fire me.  This was pre-FMLA, not so long ago they could fire you for being single and pregnant.  I carried on.  It was a time of reflection, determination, and a strange connection was building deep within me.

Oh I remember the day he was born!  I adored this bundle.  The hushed whispers weren't hushed enough.  I heard the remarks of being an unwed mother. I felt the judgment.  I also firmly told the nurses if one more person asked me if I was going to give him up for adoption I would rip their heads off.  It was at that point that I finally was able to hold my son, not a couple of hours later but 6 hours later.  He was beautiful!!  He spoke to me and whispered thanks.  Together we walked out into the world ready to face anything it could serve us.

The first 5 months were pure hell.  He had colic and would not sleep.  I had a job that required I show up rested or once again they could fire me.  His father reappeared asking to see his son, apologized, and then broached the subject of his return.  I agreed, said my peace and he became the nanny until he went overseas.  Stories could be told of those months, funny stories but those are his stories not mine to share. His father stayed 18 months and once again my son and I were alone.   

We spent the next 4 years alone together.  It was not all ice cream and cake.  I wasn’t particularly the Martha Stewart of Motherhood.  I loved him and parented the best I knew how.  We giggled, we cried, we yelled, a lot of yelling, we moved, we talked, we read, we lived and knew each other like no one else knew us.  Again changed entered our life. 

Thinking that we needed to add a father into the dynamics  I remarried.  We welcomed him and his children into our life.  This was a whole other ball game, a game that really needed help.  It lasted for 9 years until finally I came home and called it quits.  I left because my son was changing from a caring, loving boy into a bigoted, uncaring robot.  I was responsible for instilling love and care into him and could not stand by as a witness to what he was becoming. 

We left in a cloud of destruction.  It was a very nasty time that blew up any false images I had been hanging on to about myself.  It was the moment we had both been marking time for.

My son and I spent the next 5 years reconnecting and growing.  They were times of mud slinging, blaming, crying, and a return to home.  This time was so welcomed by us both!  We could breath once again.  I left behind everything I thought was true about myself.  I walked straight into a spiritual communion with my soul.  My son walked right beside me discovering who he truly was and what all this had been about. 

For the first time without all the baggage, I watched my son excel and become this incredibly wise man.  We would have deep spiritual discussions of why, how, what, and just because.  He mirrored to me how my ego would interfere with my perceptions.  He taught me how words could change realities and he helped clarified for us why we danced this dance.  I remember having a discussion with him about soul mates and arguing the difference between soul mates and soul partners.  He said to me, “these are just words and labeling used by us to remain in the old paradigm.  There is no difference between the words.   Every person you come into contact is your soul mate/partner.  If we choose, these interactions will offer a deep intimacy.  We get confused and think the intimacy we feel with a soul mate should lead to sex because sex has been our tool to this intimacy.  The common form of sex, the way we use it, is the ego’s use of illusion and deception.’   And his favorite, ‘get over yourself, there are a billion other you’s out there struggling with the same questions, believing the same illusions’. 

I loved those nights of deep discussion and sharing. I relaxed the mother role, welcomed him into a new relationship of being the adult I had seen he would one day become and mentored him as he stepped into his dreams.

Together we woke to a morning that would forever punctuate our lives.  It was a normal early day in May but it wasn’t completely normal.  He struggled with waking up and starting his day.  My appointments for the day had changed twice before 9am. 

The night before we had stayed up late just chatting.  The conversation found itself heading into a baring of our souls to each other.  I apologized to him for not being the mother who could go a day without yelling and keeping his younger years stable.  I told him I was so very proud of him and that the man he was would be an incredible husband and father.  I laughed with him about my sometimes over-the-top stubborn insistence on respecting all women and fighting the good fight.  I told him I loved him the minute I found out I was pregnant through all the years and especially now.  He told me he understood I did the best I could and that he always knew that I would be there for him.  He told me he loved me.  I gave him my blessing to follow his own drummer. We finished the night with a hug and kiss. 

Having this memory of that night would support me through the days and years to come.

At 10:30am on May 4, 1999 I would receive a call that would insure I would never remain the same.  I could recite to you the call, the drive, the scene but I don’t want your sympathy.  What I want is to share with you how the matrix of the heart works.  I admit it has taken me many paragraphs to get to this part.  The words have been condensed considering they cover 21 years.  I wanted to show the pattern of our life together.  The pattern that can never be undone nor redone.  They are years that brought my son and I to a departure.  A departure I would not wish on anyone.  It was divinely orchestrated and held wisdom of the ages, deep eternal love, and required me to truly become who I really am. 

The Matrix of the Heart is how I survived my son’s death.  Yes, at first it was survival.  I hated everyone who had a child. I hated myself for being such a shitty mom.  I hated Josh for leaving.  I especially hated God and all his guardian angels.  I hated life.  At the same time I pleaded with God, the Divine, the Universe to take me back to the exact moment when I arrived at the accident and heard the choir of angels welcoming my Josh home.  I wanted to remain forever in their Grace.  I wanted to remain where I could see Josh walking towards the light, towards the love that knocked me off my feet.  I wanted to go where he went. 

Instead I heard his voice call out to me at night telling me he was ok.  Telling me I had promises to fulfill and reminding me of the discussions we had that were to be shared with others.  In my darkest minute a phone would ring and a stalwart friend would bring me back to the present.  Through my dear friends Josh would speak to me.  They shared with me the way I would always know he was near; the penny which would appear out of nowhere.  They sent emails describing him showing up to ride with them on long trips or sit with them as they moved through their own dark nights.

My heart was shattered into oblivion, ached deeply and constantly.  I found myself alone in my grief.  I questioned my sanity. I prayed, begging God to bring him back knowing full well it would never happen.  I gave myself permission for the very first time in my life to sit with all the pain, the pain of being human.  In sitting with all the pain, I found myself.  I glimpsed the light that would bring me out of the dark.  I did not know nor did I care what my life would become.  I just sat in my pain refusing to build a story around it, allowing it to heal.  I allowed the pain to mend my shattered heart. 

My heart healed because I believed that the love I had for my son could never be destroyed.  I knew that his heart and mine, his heart and those he met, my heart and those I met were deeply entwined never to be broken.  No one could ever take that away from me.  I knew God would never ask me to give up Love.  It was through truly loving that I would live again.

No one except someone who has also lost a child could ever understand this moment in my life.  I did not ask anyone to join me there.  I did seek someone to listen as I wailed and grieved.  I found that someone, those someone’s and I know there were times when they felt helpless and tired of hearing the same song.  They never refused to listen.

I know everything leading up to May 1999 prepared me for his death.  My longing to be understood and loved prepared me.  The innate knowing of something deeper than the world I saw outside my window sustained me.  My stubbornness drove me to push through the pain, confusion and helped me not to give up.  The real piece that allowed me to believe in the light, believe in myself, believe that nothing was ever in vain was my awakening to my soul and Spirit.  It was those early years when I first embraced my true essence that brought me through to share my heart. 

There were times when I was carried by my soul. 

It is not for us to know what lies ahead.  It is for us to trust that we have within us the tools to walk our path.  Our lives are not defined by our stories.  They are only punctuated by the moment.  It is when we allow our stories to direct who we are and where we are going that we are lost from the intimacy of Spirit.  No one can ever walk your path for you.  They can and will walk beside you creating a matrix that gives freely.  The matrix can support you during the punctuated moments.  It will help you to loose the story.  It works because the matrix is the true essence of Spirit, of our souls.  It is up to you what you do with the gift of the matrix.    

I know what I did with the Matrix of the Heart. 

xoxoxo

The Soul Traveler and Josh

Enclosure - A recipe for ....

All about me is the hustle and bustle of discovery, the request for insight, the clamoring for more and yet I find myself incased today in clouds.  Thick clouds that hold, not suffocate that welcome not introspection but inclusion and blanket the trees in an ethereal busyness.  

The busyness isn't the hustle bustle that lives outside this space.  It is the business of creation.  The creation of what is to come.  A recipe sits dangling from the outstretched arms of the birch moving precariously in anticipation of what might be hidden within the clouds.  The pines stand as sentinels to the meandering of the soup witness to the regal ingredients as they march one by one towards their destination.  Each ingredient carries its key to the final creation.  There is a dab of whispering, a 1/4 cup of anticipation, never too much for that could spoil the final product, 1 cup of inspiration lightly warmed, 2 cups of wisdom sifted twice, 1/2 cup of joy, 2/3 cup of ancestral juice, and 2 Tbs. of valor.  The rowan holds out its cauldron for each to find their place within.  Slowly the Spirit of the Clouds begins to swirl the ingredients singing ever so softly lulling them into collaboration.  Placing them within the enclosure what is thought to be the door is slowly closed.

Raven alights upon the enclosure standing guard awaiting direction.  Soon he is joined by a flicker and more ravens.  The murder begin to dance upon the enclosure to the beat of flicker as she moves first down one side and then the other.  Abruptly the murder departs leaving the enclosure unguarded.  From the distance a parting of the clouds is detected.  It appears that the parting is moving through the clouds approaching the enclosure.  Stillness comes as what breath is present leaves.  Squirrel takes a gallant leap towards the enclosure and misses landing abruptly just beneath.  In dazed realization, squirrel scurries off.  The parting now reaches out towards the enclosure.  Wrapping it deep within itself it removes it from the rowan branches.  Gliding forward I watch from the corner of my eye, wondering what brings this cauldron to me.  Taking my seat upon the floor I notice that the parting is not a stranger.  No this parting I recognize.  I have spent many a day, many an hour, and dare I say many a minute with this parting.  What I think to be a parting is really my soul bringing back to me the recipe that has been deep within and is not a stranger to me.  A recipe that warms and delights.  

With a squeal of glee, I accept this cauldron of creation brought to me by my soul.  I honor this gift through ritual and whisper my love of thanks.  

xxoo

The Soul Traveler

Uncovering next steps

The other day I reflected on the changes going on in my life and how I use simple rituals to move through the fears.  I also spoke about several online classes I took in preparation for moving my dreams, my passions forward.  Those classes brought with them their own set of fears, needs, and ah ha moments.  

Life has always brought to me many of the same concerns, fears, and needs that others experience.  And to some it seems like I am just sailing down the river…  well shit sherlock not always true.  I have acquired a keen sense of what can ail me in certain junctions or scenarios.  I acquired this sense by really spending time getting to know my still small voice - My Soul.  

The writing class I am taking has a piece of daily work called morning pages.  It is really the trash can where all those thoughts, lies, negative beliefs go so that the real creativity floats to the top.  Well what also shows up for the trash can are those moments in your life where you may have had soul loss.  And on one day this week up sprang the imagine of me trying desperately to spit out an A&W order I wanted to place.  Now I am not 8 years old placing this order, I am a licensed teenage driver.  I discovered a profound fear of talking into mechanical devices when I needed to acquire a service, advise, find information or just plan order a burger during puberty.  I was deathly afraid of calling someone and appearing like I did not know what I was talking about or how to ask a question of them.  This then led to a fear of talking into the speaker to acquire a simple lunch order.  If I was talking directly to the person,,,,,, not one bit of fear.  I eventually worked through the fear without the help of my laughing brothers but apparently something was still there.  

This fear still was lying deep within my psyche.  Is it really a fear of "oh my god I have to talk to a stranger"?  Hell no there isn't a stranger in my life. It is really the fear of not being able to physically see what they think of me.  Sounds silly, I know.  But a serious block to creativity and …. shit life for that matter!

For those who know me, there is so very little I am not willing to do.  I quit a well paying job and moved to follow my dreams, train people, hold workshops, offer one/one sessions, work customer service like it has never been worked, and generally know exactly how to welcome and ease others into pretty scary places.  You see back then it wasn't the fear of the unknown it was the fear of showing how much I may not know and being laughed at… something I am sure most of us have experienced.  Growing up in a very competitive home with expectations of being brighter than your sibling for someone sensitive built many defenses, fears, and blocks.  So now this piece that I thought had been covered in previous deep work is up front and center asking me to see it.  

Being a shamanic practitioner I looked to see if it would require deep work and surprisingly I found that the deep work had been done.  What was needed was an embracing and welcoming of this young woman.  This young woman needed a voice and recognition of her sensitivity and needs.  Puberty brings with it so many changes that can baffle and challenge you.   Having no where to go or no one to seek guidance adds layers that eventually need to be cleared.   All the prior healing work I had done and the deep relationship with my soul combined with a bloodhounds nose, I can quickly and smoothly recognize the issue, source the solution, embrace it, and welcome the next adventure.  Traveling through my life with my soul leading brings balance, joy, fulfillment and awe.  The ingredients to a stellar life where the right answers aren't needed.

I gave this young woman a voice with my morning pages. I gave her an embrace and told her there was no reason to know everything.  I told her how what I knew I knew with all my heart and this life isn't a test to see who comes out with the most A's.  My life is about joy, experience, heart, and fun.  I told her the race never ends until our last breath so whatever we want to learn we have plenty of time.  Embracing her I assured her there is no shame in not knowing the answer.  And finally I told her the joy is in discovering the question.  And then ….. she talked…..

The Soul Traveler

Chchchanges…….

I was laid off from my main employment just before Thanksgiving.  Now don't feel all-sorry for me… the Holidays still happened, I still ate too much sugar, and had presents to unwrap!  It actually turned out to be a good time because no one was hiring, so no applications to fill out, hence no stress, and I really gave myself permission to stop doing what I had been doing for most of my life - Helping other people create and live their dreams.

I decided to take the month of December and not do ANYTHING of real purpose.  I have to laugh now as every thing I did that month was of real purpose; all the late nights, the naps, the sleeping in, the wandering around town, the reshuffling of rooms, the reshuffling of a huge pattern of life that no longer suited me.  I wrestled with returning to school for a 'better' more useful BS.  I struggled with how much do I sell off.  But mostly the glaring piece I wrestled with was how do I lead my life with what I love.  Ironically in mid January, a mentor and friend, Robin Rice had gifted me a post card with that exact phrase, "Lead With What You Love" in my beauty box for the HWPB course.  

But before I could lead I had to remember what it was that I truly loved!   I had to dismantle the pieces of the pattern I had used to maintain a life.  It wasn't a bad life at all.  I was happy, I had a position that afforded me the means to travel, keep a comfortable home, pay bills and otherwise be a productive citizen.  I wasn't in love with my position and in all honesty I was so burned out I looked like burnt toast.  

I had some incredibly awesome clients that added fuel to my soul, I was in an apprenticeship that fed and challenged me, part of a meditation group, and I had just recently launched a fantastic website that put me and what I love to do out into the world!  So I had an idea of what I loved - Well honestly I KNEW what I loved.  I just didn't know how to let it lead me into abundance and creating my dreams.  

I had lost sight of my dreams on the day I decided to leave Star Haven Mountain Retreat in 1999.  I left for a myriad of reasons and the final nail was the death of my son.  As I moved through my grief it was Star Haven, the people it brought, and what I had created for others and myself that carried me forward every single day.  Star Haven had been a vision I was shown one winter afternoon in Loveland Colorado as I journeyed and conversed with the Universe. It was a vision that fueled my weary bones and brought me to the realization that I could create something tangible.  I remember at my son's sending off ceremony, the number of people present after only being in the area for about year warmed me and sustained me over some very dark and cloudy days.  But it was these memories that never carried any pain, that would push me and push me to another deeper level of understanding and acceptance of all that life has to offer.  Yet, here I was facing another curve in the road, and I couldn't lay claim to my dream and how to lead with what I love.

Fortunately, I have a strong relationship with my soul and the Universe.  And fortunately, they all have the patience of Job!

There was some teeth gnawing this go around as I asked, reshuffled, refused, and pretty much was a true Muggle in reclaiming my dreams.  I finally tossed away all the "expected" responses and went with my new rituals!

I took advantage of the full & new moons, the Solstice, the New Year "resolutions" (which I personally don't do), the acquiring of a Muse and the constant urgings of a new group of star beings.  For the new moon in December I asked for a new dream and those to help me to be shown to me and carried that request forward to January since as far as I could tell nothing had been revealed.  For the Solstice, Maeve and all my ancestors showed up across the veil from me with lanterns, candles, and torches telling me they would help to light the way, oh and yeah to kick my Irish ass for being so thick….  

For the full moon in December I released my fear of success, my incessant desire to run the show, and my belief that I was too late to the game.  And in January, I released new items because there was no need to release again those items in December.  I can say those no longer weigh me down. Yes!!  

Brigid became my muse for the creative blocks that were plaguing me and each morning I light a candle to her asking for her inspiration to move forward towards my creations.  Not surprising I was lead to three on-line classes that would help me to not only rediscover my dream but also to bring new tools.  

For the New Year, since I am not a 'resolutioner', I was gifted with a client that day to really anchor in the energetic intent for 2014.  The client was not planned and sprang from the dawning of a new year.  I felt elated to know that supporting the empowerment of others - my joy - would be the first item of business for the new year.  After the session, I spent time in ritual to give thanks for the client and the setting of intent securely into 2014.

And then the work started……. still not really knowing what I was to lead with but assuming it was geared around virtual work, I signed up for a course with Seth Godin on creating my own 7-part leverage plan and one with Jacob Nordby for unblocking my writing.  Well lets just say, shit, damn, and ruckus!  The course with Seth forced me to own my dream again.  The writing course????  Well those long dormant simple wishes came screaming out of the daily morning pages.  

I have in 7 days designed a business model for 3Rivers Holistic an integrative center, written my first full poem in 43 years, finished my first fire element medicine bag, and begun work on my star soul oracle cards.

The feeling of knowing me again is renewing.  In the midst of all the accepted patterns of life I had hidden away the woman who dreams!  I can feel the stability of me underneath my feet, I can see the lanterns light the way ahead, and I know that divine inspiration flows through me once again.  The cork has been removed and the bubbles sparkle as they join me in my travels.  I also know that those items I have completed are opening the gates to allow for the flooding of my e-courses and online offerings.

Life is about changes.  It is how we discover more about the Universe and ourselves.  By using ritual I was able to unveil my dreams once again.  Through ritual I was able to get out of the way and allow Spirit to work through me.  As the saying goes, I couldn't see the forest for the trees and once I started using ritual the sleep was removed from my eyes.  I have a heart shaped chalkboard over my altar and written on it since November 27 is - I release my work to the Universe.  The chalkboard in my career corner says -  I am a successful and prolific writer!  Ritual at work again for my future.  

As we grow deeper in our spirituality layer after layer is removed and the levels of fear, stubbornness and other beliefs we hold become less prevalent in our life.  Because we are a spiritual being having a human experience those layers become less, yes, but they never truly disappear. These layers, these experiences are what make up our life.  Yes, we become more fluid in finding the tool to release the sticky stuck layers and discover those tools quicker but until we have our closing ceremony on the celebration called Life we will always be peeling away our layers.  Through ritual we can discover what layer to remove, which tool to use and the most enriching manner for removal.

Here's to changes and life!!

The Soul Traveler

Simplicity

Today is 1/1/14… a new day dawns to remind me that once again I rise to the occasion.  Tis very funny but on this first day of a new year - a Number 8 year for me - I actually did a very simple sacred ritual to usher it in (I generally wait until my birthday to reflect on the year and create a intent for the next year).  I am not big on large expressions of anything…. I always sense the turning point of a large expression from true love, gratitude, awe etc to over emphasis and grandiose ego involvement.   Perhaps it is just me who senses this change but I really don't think I am alone.  Take a moment and watch the next time you are incased in a large expression.  Feel for the moment when it moves from a simple genuine fulfilling sacred moment to one of over emphasis.  Let your body mark that moment and ask your soul to help you to remember, so that when you are expressing it, remains simple and sacred.

Today I spent time sitting quietly in the morning waking to the sun rising to a new day, new year.  I envisioned a light being carried by myself feeling the presence of so many others as I walked gently towards the opening in the clouds.  With each step I whispered my gratitude for opportunities that lay ahead yet discovered, the love and care of my friends and family, for my health, my home, my body and my ability to go deeper into my relationship with soul, spirit, and the divine.  I then sat with this vision allowing my body to feel the sacredness of the stillness, the blessing of the gratitude, and the love of the light. In the quietness of the morning I could feel the expansiveness of the Divine that is expressed through all things, allowing my body to embrace and feel that oneness that holds each of us though out our days.  The expansiveness gave me a color to bring into my awareness - soft luminescent purple.  Allowing this color to envelope me brought closure to the simple sacred ritual for welcoming 2014.

I do not make resolutions.  I learned early that doing so emphasizes all the "things" I perceive as just not so right about me.  Instead I listen quietly for the part of me that would like to speak to the world, a part that has been quiet, or perhaps a part that just wants to be so more present.  Giving voice and recognition to more of me always leads me on an adventurous journey, guaranteed!  For my 2014 journey I asked quietly as I sat drinking my morning tea and was gifted with an electrifying squeal of "Let's carry on with what we have designed these last 30 days of 2013 and see who, what, where, and when it takes us!  It will be such a delightful adventure!"  Before accepting this pronouncement, I scan my body of its willingness to carry on and looking for any reluctance and finally asking my soul, guidance, and Spirit for their input.  I then follow with my sacred ritual to claim this request which allows for full participation of body, mind and soul.

Now it is time to step out into the world.

Welcome 2014 with simplicity and enjoy where ever your journey takes you.

Decide ………..

What a big thing…. To Decide.  To decide what it is you want to be when you grow up or perhaps what to wear, what to eat or who to date?  We grow up being told making decisions should be major events.  Yet somehow we know this really isn’t true.

As toddlers we saw, thought and decided all within a split second.  We ventured forward out of our singular space into a larger space.  We grabbed first one toy and then another never pondering for days on end.  We decided to take our first step on our own and then another.  Someone could argue that it appears a child is debating whether to leave the safety of crawling to begin the adventure of walking but if you watch closely you will see that isn’t the case.  The child is content to move at their pace not sit and ponder for days the next move.  

Every single day we make decisions and some we choose to make more impactful than the decision to take another breath.  Why do we do that, how did we get here and what would happen if we took even the “big” decisions in stride like all the other ones we make every single second?  How can we get to this place of innocence and spontaneous decisions again?

Before the Age of Reason the veil is still very thin and often times completely open for many.  The invisible playmates, clips of wisdom, and spontaneous joy shown by children that can seem daunting to those whose veil is securely intact are everyday examples of a thin veil.  Then as time passes we notice that our children begin to mimic us in ways more than just words.  If you notice our children begin to hesitate in making some of the simplest decisions.  Who to play with, what to answer on the myriad of tests that are now required, hesitation in what to wear and on and on.  I do believe that if we were honest with ourselves a niggling deep inside us that we notice with a bit of whimsy, occurs when our children hesitate in their decision making.  That niggling deep inside is our soul reminding us that it hasn’t left and is within our reach,,,, if only we would open the door,,, just ever so slightly.

Your soul is the connection to the Divine. It is the piece of you that knows without a shadow of doubt that you are Divine.  It is the Christ piece so many strive to attain.  It never left and it will never leave.  We might duct tape the door shut, seal it in hopes that the light that peaks out is diminished, we might camouflage the entrance so our uniqueness is smothered and we are deemed normal and sometimes we may nail it shut with 2x4’s and millions of nails in hopes it goes far, far away never to be seen by us and others again. 

Fortunately, these tactics are not forever, our soul finds help in many forms.  One of the most obvious is nature.  When lost in the woods, we may create a grand story of aloneness, but one moment of pause and BLAM the story has a new twist!  Hark, the many wondrous sounds and sights’ surrounding us confirms that soul has crept through the duct tape.  What about all the children?  We recognize soul within them there is no denying that!  Acts of simple kindness is soul peaking out from within another.  And when it seems that darkness has alighted upon us, there reaching out to us in the form of a helping hand, is soul.  I think the most amazing time is when we finally realize that we have created these affirmations to remind us that we are not separate – we are the Divine, we are soul.

Throughout human history we have ensured that our souls are not lost to us forever.  And yet we still struggle with the divine within us.  I remember the gradual lowering of my veil.  I remember wondering at the age of 8 why the magic was being stolen from me.  I remember feeling lost and all alone the day my dad told me I was too old to hold his hand.  And I remember going out into our backyard to sit under a large elm tree looking up into it and wishing I could go home.  Home to where? I paused only shortly and once again wished to go home to where I was not alone and the magic never ended.  I remember climbing high up into the tree embracing each branch as I climbed higher hoping to reach home.  And then it happened.  I nestled myself close against the trunk of the tree held safely by its branches finally realizing that I was here to stay.  But I was no longer feeling alone.  I felt a warmth grow deep within my heart, the comfort of the tree, and a whisper stirring telling me I would not walk alone ever in this life.  From that moment on, I lived by this motto, “I will not grow up to be like you.  I will never be separate from the trees and rocks as long as I walk upon this land.  I will always listen to that voice that arises from within.” 

This decision at 8 years of age was sorely tested and like the divine it has withstood the tests life would throw down in front of me.  My life experiences with soul has had some very quiet moments, some life saving moments, some holy shit batman moments, and some this way please.  I have stood steadfastly to the direction I wished to follow in hopes of smothering my life force only to be guided gently out of the foray into the meadow.   I have been held ever so gently by my soul as my heart lay shattered in a million pieces at my feet, and with each I have found great joy, strength, and the wisdom to continue. 

To allow our soul to truly enter our place of life helping us to change the story is what transforms you into you.  It is at those times that being us brings peace.  We do not travel this life alone.  We have been so smart in creating others in our life.  There may be times when those around us bring stories we wish were never written and yet soul still speaks within those stories always willing to help us heal those stories and leave them far behind.  It is in traversing our journeys that soul speaks, guides, and yes – grabs us.  Soul is not a complicated experience.  It is a simple expression of daily life.  As the sun rises, soul shines, as the child laughs, soul speaks, as the parent embraces, soul nurtures, and as we give, soul rises. Living from your soul makes decisions, simple and natural.  Decision making from your souls' perspective doesn't require days of pondering, list making, or consternation.  It only requires that you listen, feel, and trust that every decision is made for the greater good of you and all.  Be brave and remove the duct tape, the 2x4's and allow the light to shine through and then out of you.  Allow the veil to thin and embrace the courage and wisdom the resides within you.  

Think back to the mantra of Count your Blessings.  Each time you make that list, you are connecting to your soul.  Each moment you say a quiet prayer of thanks, you just welcomed soul in and those hugs you give are an exchange of soul love not just to the recipient but also to you.  Soul knows no boundaries, no limitations, no prejudice; soul only knows the divinity within each of us.

Take time each day to pause and welcome soul in – it doesn’t have to be upon first rising or the end of the day, let the time be spontaneous, let it be guided by your soul.  Don’t make this Decision driven by Hesitation, let it flow as it did when you were small.  You might just find a miracle.

Xoxo – The Soul Traveler

So many ...

This is a very special time of year for everyone no matter your spiritual leanings.  I have so many memories, so much to be grateful for, and so so many changes coming for me.

I sit here in my beautiful home viewing the mountains outside, the sun shining brightly which for Missoula is a feat this time of year, waiting for the days festivities, and so many thoughts and visions flash before me.

Tomorrow will be the final day of my severance and so officially I will be unemployed.  This is such a bizarre thought.  To not have a "steady" income deposited into my lovely bank account to assist it in staying fat and sassy, to no longer have a bi-weekly reminder that I am a viable and functioning American, to not have to rise each morning and go out into the world to assist others to be their Type A best, to not have my adrenals screaming for no more Stress, and to not measure myself in the Corporate Eye… is to say the least - one hell of a Relief!!!   

Don't get me wrong I have always enjoyed my career about 90% of the time and I most definitely enjoyed everyone I was with M-F 8 to 5pm but I never ever felt like it was a true passionate, fulfilling, jaw dropping, wisdom deliverer.  I got up every single morning because that is what you are supposed to do from 12 - 70 years of age. I know there were days when many co-workers would have preferred me to keep my grumpy self at home.  I also know that over time I had to force myself into going to work.  It became harder and harder as I grew older to find passion in my work.  

I looked out upon everyone I knew to see how they were finding joy in heading into work.  I couldn't find their secret.  

What I found for me was a passion, wisdom, and fulfillment from way outside the 'norm' of occupations.  I found a desire to learn and share in very non-traditional 'schools'.  I found that the more I worked closely with where my Soul wanted me to go the happier, inspired, and eager I became.  Working "overtime" when participating in "soul work" never phased me, time didn't exist.  The 9-5 regimen managed to fit into these times of "soul work".  Over time any desire to climb the ladder, be recognized even remotely, and engage in office politics disappeared.  I no longer defined myself by my career.  I defined myself through my Soul.  I found that what once irritated me… office politics became like a speck of dust I noticed and lightly flicked off me. Recently I might catch a glimpse of it but really never noticed it.  I found myself bringing my soul work into my 9-5 and I started to watch its impact.  

I watched as more people gathered around me to 'just catch up' and others who stayed very far away from me. I watched as the turbulent energy of meeting deadlines literally went around me with many coming in to ask, "how do you do that?'  I listened on my last day of employment when co-workers stopped by to say good bye and ended with "I will miss your caring spirit."  I knew then that my career had to be 'soul work' as that is what fed me and my co-workers.

Where will I be in 2014 from a career standpoint?  I really don't know and honestly I really don't care.  The only requirement I have is it must be soul work, feed me passion, draw wisdom, and create joy for everyone.  So my guess is it will be far from the norm.

As we find ourselves on Christmas Eve looking forward, let us remember that this time is a reminder to us of two people following their hearts, their higher guidance, and their willingness to go against the norm to bring into the world a way of living called 'soul work'.  

Warmest Blessings to you and yours - The Soul Traveler.

Post Thanksgiving Pondering

Yes I should start this with all the things I am thankful for but not today.  Today I want to reflect upon kindness.  What really is kindness and how did I come to know what it meant?

It isn’t what you think. It isn’t small simple Acts.  It is a way of life and comes to you silently in the night.  It comes from you when all that is around you is darkness.

People don’t bring you kindness like you were taught.  Oh no, don’t count on that for true kindness comes from you.  You awaken kindness in others.

When you ask my family what they remember of me as a child they will say how tiny I was, how I delighted in everything, and how kind I was.  Well did it stay with me as I grew up?  Did it come from me when I was competing with a school mate for the top spot in a highly coveted position?  Did it come from me when I lay devastated about a life event?  Did it come from me at the scene of my sons accident?  Did it come from me when I was told, “We have to let you go” from my employment?

I don’t recall stopping and say, I must be kind here, at any of those moments in time.  I can tell you that in those moments, I saw in their eyes a request for me to hold them, to give them permission to succeed, be forgiven, loved, and encouraged.  How could I have read what was in their eyes?  I read it because I have reflected those same needs in my eyes.  I have stood there naked and not received.  I have stood there and realized that I cannot ask of others what I, myself, am not willing to give.

I thank my beautiful wonderful stars that somehow I knew that kindness coupled with laughter would heal a broken heart.  It will encourage a lost soul.  It will stop a war.  

I wasn’t always kind.  When I began too realize that there is hurtfulness in the world, I wasn’t always willing to be kind to my competition or the person who was the cause of my consternation.  I will have to say that not being kind was something I had to learn.  I had to learn that sometimes people hurt you when you are kind to them.  I had to learn that sometimes when you are kind to someone they will still scream and hurt you.  

And then I had to learn that even if they are hurtful to you, kindness is the way to heal your pain and theirs.  I had to learn not to expect anything back when I was kind.  I had to learn that the stories and all the lessons taught to me were wrong.  I had to return to the innocence I knew as a child with the wisdom of my years.

And most importantly I had to listen only to my soul for my guidance and my solace.  I had to live my life from all my wounds, all my mistakes, and all my misunderstandings.  I embraced my soul’s wisdom and kindness and my soul returned me back to ME.  My soul showed me that the kindness that lay deep within me was strengthened by all my life experiences.  It was through those experiences that I could see, feel and understand the stories of everyone I met.  I could see it in the grocery clerk, the postal worker, my family and friends, my co-workers and everyone I passed in the street.  I could see it in me.  I could reach across the aisle to those I would leave behind in my job.  I could be kind to them as I said good-bye.  

When my son was killed I reached across the aisle to the ambulance drivers to thank them for transporting him gently to the morgue.  Watching them tear up and thank me for thanking them, something that they had never experienced, surprised me. I didn’t do this because I am so wonderful but because at that moment I finally realized how difficult their job must be transporting dear ones and that they too must hurt.  I did it because I knew they had been as gentle with him as I would have been.  It was my soul that showed me that in those difficult moments in our life a stranger is also impacted.  When the physician comes to tell the difficult news to a patient and their family, they are feeling the news also.  It is in those difficult moments, in those dark times, that true kindness springs forth from us.  If you take the time to really allow your soul to show you the light within your darkness, kindness will spring forth.  Kindness first given to you by opening to your soul and then from you it will spread out into the world.  

I now understand the saying my father would often recite, “You can catch more with honey”.  I thought he meant sweetness since of course honey is sweet.  No, he meant kindness.  You can draw to yourself all the things you so desperately want in your life with true kindness.  It is from the kindness you share with others that brings others willing to share their kindness.  

As I gathered my belongs on Wednesday from my office I had occupied for a year, I was interrupted by co-workers who stepped cautiously into my space.  Cautious because they did not know what to say or how to reach out to me.  I greeted each of them with a soft gentle smile that came from years of learning to be kind to myself.  And they sighed, their eyes tearing, and they courageously spoke 6 words, "I will miss your caring ways."  There was no bashing of the event or times to come, there was only a sharing of this moment in time where kindness needed to be expressed.  By my willingness to be vulnerable, honest, and kind they were given permission to reciprocate; each of us receiving a multitude of love and courage through a simple act of kindness, an act of acceptance.

Kindness is a simple act that we have so often forgotten. It is not something learned, only remembered.  It is a remembering that comes from loving yourself enough to truly care.  Today and all the days ahead spend time allowing your soul to show you the kindness that has been there for you all along.  Lying deep within you where only you have the key.

XOXOX - T

Opening Day ...

What must it feel like to participate in ‘Opening Day”.  We could ask baseball players, or any athlete for that matter, but really are they the only ones experiencing opening day? 

As I prepare to launch my website The Soul Traveler I wanted to write a catchy blog piece.  I tried and tried but nothing seemed to stick for a post.   Finally after struggling, it came to me, what am I about to embark on?  My travel companion reminded me…..

Opening day is so not reserved for athletes or grand occasions it happens every day!

If you wake and sit quietly you can hear the day open.  It takes its time to move to its dawn.  Watch how the darkness slowly creeps barely inching towards the light.  There are moments when it pauses as though it is deciding just how it wants to open.  It isn’t the same every time.  It may appear that way to us but if you watch, listen, still yourself, and be amazed you will know it is not the same every day.

So how can we reflect the essence of the opening day?  What part of the dawn can we exhibit in our life?

My soul has taught me that each moment is an opening day.  It is filled with fanfare, good music, lot’s to cheer about, and memories to carry. 

It was once very common for me to jump out of bed, hurry to the coffee, struggle to the shower and on and on.  Then one day I stumbled to the kitchen and literally said, “I want to get off this merry-go-round.”  It was an opening day moment. 

It was at that moment my soul took the opportunity to show me how the dawn could be different.  It was then I realized what I had just said was a prayer.  The dawn did change, it did move ever so slowly. It did bring different outcomes daily.  Through conversation with my soul I have learned how to reflect the essence of Opening Day.  To slow down my morning, the rush of my workday, enjoy my evening respite, and relish my day closing.  I have taken courage from the dawn.  I am no longer afraid to sit quietly in the dark waiting for the light because my soul sits beside me and assures me that there is light coming.  I pause to hear the decision the dawn makes as to how it will rise just as I pause to decide how I too will meet the day.  Will I greet with wonder or will I greet with worry?  I converse with my soul to seek the knowledge of how best to greet the day.  My soul whispers much like the dawn whispers to the day guiding me forward to realize the fortunes ahead.  If you watch the dawn, you will see how the dawn and the day are in conversation and neither is the leader in charge, they are co-creating.  Watch closely and you can see the mist begin to rise then after a quick conversation the mist disappears and is replaced by a rush of warm wind leading to a different outcome.  This brings us an unexpected Opening Day.

If you aren’t attentive you will have missed the quick chat where decisions were made to alter the outcome.  When we don’t pause as we move about our day to commune with our soul, we will often miss the opportunity to alter an outcome.  Perhaps the chance to meet someone who could lead us to a new employment opportunity is changed because we decided not to listen to the urging to wait 5 minutes before we headed out for lunch.  The dawn, we think, is here to urge us on to our day.  Perhaps the dawn is here to urge us to pause and watch all the possibilities of our day before striking out.

Remember the Dawn’s example through your day.  Use the example to respond to your family member that insists on being right and ask how would my soul, my dawn respond to them.

The dawn is your soul.  Your soul resides in every aspect of you life.  It is not separate from you and your environment.  It is your environment.  We are magical creators and I marvel at my creations.  The dawn is that daily reminder to me that once again I start anew.  Once again I experience my “Opening Day”.   I have at my fingertips the opportunity to learn, share, and be my soul essence.

Ahhhhh!  Let the travels begin!

Don't hit delete ....

I am working on designing my website. I have hired someone, well not just someone, but the most awesome, intuitive, creative woman with the capacity to help me :-0.  As I have been playing around with some of my ideas I create a section called Journal.  Now this is really my blog space but I like the way journal feels.  It is not abrupt, a four letter word, and something I have not kept!  Sounds like a perfect title besides doesn't everyone want to read everyone's 'journal'?  It might contain fifty shades of grey, right?

Not mine.... ;-)  But it will have 50 shades of grey because life is not Black and White...

As I am "designing" I begin to come up with these incredibly awesome short titles for pieces in my journal.  I save them and go on about my business returning several days later.  Now it has been some time since I visited my website and my brain has fogged over.  Never a good thing with me.  I go in to my site and start playing around.  I decide I wanted to delete the template pictures and add my own.  Well I hit the DELETE button and wham everything is gone... picture and cute catchy phrase.  Shit, shit, shit!!

I have these fantastic moments where stuff just flows.  I know I am so connected with my soul and spirit that what I am writing is so free of any judgement and filled with beauty and love and those phrases where just that.  I was like what happened here.  Checking to make sure I was in the right space for creating, yep I am there, I begin to wonder what is up.  I hear, pick another, so first one up is "don't hit delete"!  Hmmmmmm!!

So what is the message to me in this?  I have a wonderful habit of letting go of things no longer needed, an ability to just close off to people either hurtful or no longer in alignment with me, I hit delete a lot!  When I was younger it really was a natural thing for me to see things were over and just move on and then those moments, and we all have them, when the story of our life began to hurt.  It wasn't just uncomfortable, it hurt!  How I coped with it was to really strengthen my Delete button!  I would find the strength and then "DELETE" and poof people, things, places were gone.  It became my shield against all odds.  I had a dear friend once tell me how uncanny it was that I could just walk away from things and she wondered out loud if she would be one of my Delete friends.  She didn't really paint my ability as something wonderful.  It was more like "you can really cut people out" and it made me look at this ability; this shadow side of me.

I loved it when computers came along and we had the Delete key and then the ultimate - Ctrl, Alt, Del -  This combination became a shaman's tool.  Day really tough, Ctrl, Alt, Del, boss a nuisance CAD, struggling with personal issues, CAD!!  You have the ability to Control the story, Alter the story, and Delete the old story for the new true story.

This ability is really a combination tool for me.  My shadow side can and will walk away from people, places, and things without a moment of pause.  I am not one to argue and plead for things to change for very long.  And the walking away can be an unwillingness to not engage in confrontation.  I do not like yelling, bickering, forcing the other to see your side or win the argument.  So I know when it is time to walk and I go and this isn't always the best solution to the relationship.  I often times don't leave an explanation behind in my dust.  I just go.

Not everyone thinks and solves problems the way I do.  I am a bullet point person.  You whine too much for too long, Delete; you turn down invite after invite too often, Delete; you hurt me or my family, Delete; you are no longer beneficial to our wellbeing and happiness, Delete.  It is not because I am impatient.  It is because I feel and sense deep down and am present to the ebb and flow of life.  I know that often times our paths will cross again if we are to continue.  I know that so much of our life is done alone and must be experienced alone.  I know that we often stop our growth and capacity to expand our ability to love when we hang around way after the dance has ended.  I don't walk to hurt, I walk because I have heard 'The time is now' and I listen to my guidance even when others think I am delusional and need psychiatric help; even dear family members.

Am I brave. Nope!  I just follow a still small voice that has stood beside me, laughed with me, healed me, and allowed me to see the me that I am.  My soul has been with me through every up and down and detour.  Every joy and tear drenched moment.  My soul knows the story of my life in its truest form.  My soul knows that I love so deeply, I relish the sparkle in everyone's eyes, and to hurt another is so painful for me.

So the next time you see someone use the Delete....  Remember if you don't hit delete you can't move forward. 

1000 Awesome ...

Who knew if you started counting those times that you were caught off guard by the ordinary that toes and fingers would not be enough?

I decided that if I really was so taken by life that I should start taking stock.  Was there just one thing that drew me, was it only in the morning, what about when I wanted to take a Calgon bath to the stars, or was I just blowing smoke up my head?

Nope.  It didn't show up in a pattern, only when I had had enough, or when I was in contemplation.  It showed up when I least expected it.  I would giggle, or tear up and I actually drive my office mate insane.

It does include those moments when the hummingbird sits quietly on his perch beside you, when the sun sinks deep past the mountains leaving gorgeous pink striations, and the quietness of the snow falling for its first winter show.

It also shows up in the calmness as you step outside the workplace, the click of your key into the front door lock after a trip, the sound of the train as it moves through the town, and the tick-tock of the clock as you sit and type.

I do relish everything in my life.  I relish those times I come home with a list of things to accomplish before 9pm and I find myself sitting on the couch surfing the web with the list being put off one more night.  It gives me a moment to give myself permission to not be Type A, a label I firmly believe is false, permission to welcome the shadow side of me that rebels against established expectations, permission to once again release my past parochial discipline, and permission to allow me to give up the fight.  I have found the more there is NO reaction to my not accomplishing the "list" the list isn't necessary.  My evening isn't mapped out, my time doesn't run out, and I have managed to have 1000 awesome moments by letting my life unfold as it wants right beside that ordinary tasks.

Don't get me wrong I still accomplish items that are important to me, ticking them off as I move from them to the next, but I no longer have any expectations about timelines, perfection, or even meeting the initial design.  If I make a list it is because I have found that with walking in two worlds I can loose track of the seasoning needed for my recipe when distracted by a non-ordinary discovery.   By not having expectations, I discover the joy in the moment, the essence of this time in life, this nano-second that so often goes unnoticed.  It was when I gave myself permission to stop the madness that I began to grasp the concept of Being in the Now.  This concept, honestly, baffled the hell out of me.  It was always explained, in my perception, in lofty terms.  It was not until I began to heal and embrace all of my light and shadow that I could comprehend Being in the Now.  The comprehension came in layers and I took opportunities from my work day to incorporate how BITN felt. The discovery of sitting working on a project to find hours had moved on was exactly Being in the Now.

So the essence of life for me is the 1000 awesome discovered moments that eluded me because the story I had been writing closed them off.  And now they are front and center not to be shoved aside but running towards me to become the Ahhhh

And with the wind comes .....

Saturday night - and I find myself drawn to the computer - as I am sitting here typing I listen to the giggles and screams of grade schoolers visiting my neighbor downstairs.  Such fun! Teasing her as they call her grandmother. The weather begins to change to the threat of a storm, much like last night and I wonder will we be the recipients of the storm tonight or be spared again?  I am still learning how to read the weather here.  In Colorado I grew up learning about the weather.  It was important to know it so you weren't caught unawares and could avoid danger. At the same time it was more than just sticking your hand out to see if it got wet.  It became a contemplation, a conversation, and sometimes a communion.

Even now as I type I have turned the music off that was quietly playing so I can hear the sound of the wind as it passes through the trees.  The pines have a song of freshness, the cottonwoods their brittle leaves add the staccato, the poplar pulls you into its whisper as the leaves show you their underside, their willingness to be vulnerable.  Some trees stand silently allowing the others their performance and then they all join together.  Twirling, moving, bowing, touching each other, giving the wind freedom.  Giving the wind a voice.  There is the rush and the pause, the rush and the pause just before the burst.  How I love the metaphor!  They show me the rhythm they experience is the same as mine.  Some times when I am busy being present to whatever is happening in the moment for me, my path is crossed by what I call a needling or issue.  They generally appear when my ego is sparked by something it thinks needs to take center stage.  Ego, as wind rushes up to my focus, rustling my calm demeanor causing me to respond.  Is it a twirl and bend or is it a resistance and crack?  As the tree has choices in its response to the wind, so do I.  My soul has shown me that moving with the wind rather than resisting the issue creates a rhythm that allows the weather to appear and move on.  Embracing the wind or moving with it allows me to decipher the essence of the issue.  Am I really upset about the driver who just pulled out in front of me or is there a deeper story here? Is it only about not being seen or is there something deeper?   Going deeper with my soul always takes me to the burst of release.

What else am I learning from watching the weather?  Is it only about issues?  What about the shared movement of the trees?  For today might the metaphor be about dancing together enjoying the moment and the shared experience.  How is that present in my life?  The family below eating dinner and sharing tall tales of feats of courage - giggling together when caught. And myself enjoying their play and togetherness feeling their communal energy as it moves around us.

Or how about the days when it is sweltering (relatively speaking the West's version of sweltering on a scale of 1-10 in the South is a -20) but sweltering none the less.  What you hope for is rain .... and when you see that there is nary a cloud within a 1000 miles ...."could we just have a breeze please?"   What benefit is a breeze?  It can come so slowly and then move past in a wisp.  As you are sweltering with the issue at hand what benefit is it to create a breeze?  Perhaps a moment to pause, feel some relief and maybe allow a new perspective.  Perhaps a moment to be still and not fret.  Or perhaps the realization that just the request for a breeze gave you the nudge to let go of the story.

Wind in all its forms is a change maker.  The gall force winds of a hurricane don't tiptoe in, they come raging in, grabbing your attention and you know your life is about to change!  But the breeze can trick you into thinking 'ah there is nothing to worry about' and within a split second you life just changed.

I love the wind

Forever and a day ....

So I have tried to post, write, spew, anything for the past 6 months... and as you can see NADA!

So what gives?  Nothing really gave I just had to walk through releasing the known to get to here.  It hasn't been a cake walk, more like a merry-go-round, repeat, repeat, repeat.  Kind of like a constant rinse cycle.  Get the dirt out, add fresh water, spin, spin and spin till you are certain the dirt is out only to find another spot.  So back you go again.

Till finally it dawned me I was afraid of letting go of the familiar!  The pain in my arse, non-fulfilling familiar.  Go figure.  Well I did and I still found myself reacting to my dear friends new endeavors, feeling that nasty hit you get from your ego that says a myriad of things that are not true.  I really was happy for them but I knew by my reaction that my lovely ego had taken the lead.  This wasn't ok with me but it was a pattern long-held.

So what to do?  When in doubt I journey, sometimes knowing I just may get my arse kicked by my guides, Yes even the angelic one....  But off I went expecting the shake up and instead getting a moment with them deep in reflection sitting in my special place looking out onto the Cosmos, breathing, breathing, and just feeling.  Flashes of past ways, times when I wrote daily, sometimes several times a day, times of ridicule which when they passed I scooped up the Soul piece cradling it into me, times of just looking, watching, knowing.  Eventually the journey came to an end; an end only for that moment.  Thanking my guides I returned to my room checking to see if a miracle had happened.  Had I changed?  Had I acquired volumes of words to share with everyone?

Nope.  I was still here being me.  A miracle? why perhaps since I am back at it this morning ;-)

What had happened is I found that my ego could go back into the back seat even after it had been driving for what seemed ages.  That my soul knows best for me, that it never leaves, only sits quietly holding me in the most profound love and presence.  Allowing me to grow, slip-slide, and dance forward.  My soul is my best friend, is me in all my ecstasy, is willing to let go of the familiar, and is always, always there for me.

So writing again? Yes, I am willing and ready to share my thoughts, my struggles, my accomplishments, my quiet moments, my true travels with my soul.  It is a big step, one that has been long in coming, one that means far more than the story tells, one that required a story to be rewritten, one that places me out, out in the wild, wild world where the wild things roam, a place that welcomes me, a place that wants me, a place that is home to me and so many dear people.

I write now because it is who I am.  A storyteller.  I take what is and make it what it really is.  Don't ask me how, don't get into my head, just listen to the story and allow.

I am not some wise guru or someone to worship.  I am you, I am me, I am soul.

This mornings story comes today because I stopped hedging my bets.  I took the pattern and twisted it up.  I literally called into work stating I had a headache.  More like a body ache.  (Now listen I am not telling you to call in sick every day you want to change a pattern - you can change patterns on weekends).  I waited and listened and when I felt that moment when my mind and body were relaxed I got up, poured a cup of coffee, sat outside quietly, spied my special hummingbird drinking from his feeder and knew the moment was ripe.  I grabbed my literally brand new laptop (its purchase is another story for another day) and started.  Once this is completed for the hour, I will walk my morning walk, shower, dress, and head into work. I have gratitude for the job that pays and tends to all the necessities of daily life, I no longer view it as the piece that stops me from "what I want to do really", and I will use every non-filled moment at work to write.  If Harry Potter can be written on scraps of paper, hell I can write a blog!

For some reason, I want to end today with Peace Out.  Gotta be a story in that .....

What brings me soul moments....

A friend recently posted a lovely FB picture with short paragraph called, Random Moments.  It got me thinking.  What are my random moments... Looking out into the dark night to the immense sky filled with twinkling stars as evening prayers are said, morning coffee in the quiet darkness knowing the deer still sleep outside my window, hearing the wind chime ringing in the evening wind as I drift off to sleep.. <3  Glancing out my office window to the hills across the street to spot the deer playing along the trail to where ever it is they go all in a city of 65000 people..Blessed!

And then I thought that is a canned response.  Not that those moments aren't soul moments just that they have become the standard.  What about this morning when I looked out the kitchen window way past sunrise, late for me, a spied a chubby brown Buddha sitting on the corner of the shed looking at me creating a triangle from St. Francis to himself to me....knowing that I never put a Buddha there, thinking perhaps my friend who had mowed the lawn left me a gift.  After sitting with the unexplained gift for a minute finally realizing that the chubby little Buddha was a chubby little squirrel.  Totally out of character sitting quietly not moving a muscle.  Now that's a soul moment.